Exerpts From My Diary: Surreal

He's amazing. Every time I look at him, I can't believe it. It's surreal really. Still. Even two months later. God is incredibly creative and powerful. How could I doubt Him? Sometimes I'm overcome with feelings of fear and intimidation... Is the baby breathing? Are we doing it right? Is he getting enough to eat? Today, I clipped his fingernails. They were too long and he was scratching his face. I accidentally clipped some skin off of his thumb. I felt awful! It was so, so sad. I think he forgives me though. His eyes can't lie, right?

This seems easy enough. The actual work anyway. Feed him. Change him. Cuddle him. Play with him. Now again. But my eyes are tired. My arms are tired. My brain can't think straight and driving has become hazardous at times. How can caring for this wee one be so exhausting? My heart is full of joy... and if I'm honest, feelings of sadness and heaviness at times. I think that's normal. Sometimes it feels so serious... to be completely responsible for another life. Scary and overhwelming. Too much really.

But I am not alone. See that's the lie.. that I'm alone. The truth is that God is in control and every single breath comes from Him anyway. He cares immensely about Benjamin and our family. He is, after all, our Great Protector. So why would I spend my time being afraid? That's not from Him.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Taken from Matthew 10)

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Taken from Matthew 7)



Had I known how incredible it would feel to have a small child as lovely and precious as Benjamin, I might have accepted the responsibility much sooner! See? God knew. He always does.