Excerpts From My Diary: I Choose.

As I write, my sweet two-year-old Benjamin is laying in his bed for the night, singing the alphabet song to his stuffed animals before falling asleep. I can tell he's tired by the way his letters keep getting further and further apart.

It's right where I want to be.

I am exhausted.Worn out. Disheartened by my inability to be all places, in all roles, doing all things at once. I am beginning to realize how God uses motherhood as a humbling journey in my life. A continuous humbling experience that will likely never end. I welcome it. Why do I try so hard to do so many things and spread myself so thin? How I long to simplify my life. Leave my pride at the door. Fully trust that Christ will smooth my wrinkles and lift my burden. That He will meet the needs of those around me--as it is a lie that I could be capable of such a task. How I long to soak in the sweet pleasures my children and husband bring...

...The joy that seeps from Audrey as she lights up when I enter the room, and rushes as fast as she can on her unsteady feet to be in my arms. Benjamin, as he draws near to me and says, "Can I hold you, Mommy?" Mark, as he catches my eye and we share a second of unified bliss in the midst of the craziness. I desperately desire to bathe in these moments--to photograph them and write them down, as if to stamp them on my mind and heart forever.

It seems as though a thousand things and a thousand people are trying to steal these moments of joy and all the time I have--leaving me empty and dry and void of truth. The Word calls it the flaming arrows of the Evil One. He's really good at distraction from all things eternal. And I am juggling too many balls right now. My priorities are out of order. But I feel sandwiched, trapped. I need the strength of God and the words of the Holy Spirit to get me through. To seal my time for His will and purpose. To hide my memories and thoughts deep in my soul, only to be pulled out in opportune time.

I pray each night that God make me a better mommy. A patient mom, a playful mom, a kind mom, an intentional mom, a wise and respectful mom. I know that I am simply not these things. I'm just not. But He is. And He promises to give strength to the weary and direction to those who need it.

I choose to trust and accept grace. I choose to leave my pride at the door and say no to time thieves.

I choose.