Exerpts From My Diary: No Words

There are no words to accurately describe motherhood. We try and prepare them--these young women and expecting mothers. We do our very best to paint a picture that includes the combination of love, joy, hard work, frustraton, anxiety, pride, anticipation for each new milestone, excitement over the smallest victories, and amusement we all feel (at the same time). But I have yet to hear a description that does the experience justice.

God says in his Word that we who love him cannot even fathom the great things he has planned for us. This is very exciting to me because I'm constantly amazed with his goodness already! He just knows me so well. When I got married, I couldn't believe how good it felt to be one with this incredible person--this most handsome, talented and exceptional man. To experience a sense of unity that is so pure and right, yet rather scandalous at the same time, is quite an adventure. And then, to face all the unknowns of pregnancy and the birth of our premature baby with the realization that anything could happen at any moment... it's nerve-racking to say the least! But that was just a preview into what it's like to raise a child. Because that is how motherhood has been for me so far--every second of it. It seems like I don't go a single day without a million little reminders that I'm not in control. It's amazing how little control we actually have, isn't it? In fact, the only way I can deal with it is through healthy doses of laughter, tears, and prayer. :)

Does anyone else so often feel like motherhood is this beautiful, surreal, thick fog? I am constantly not sure of what to make of this new reality in my life. Here is this amazing, innocent, sweet, small boy (the most handsome one around, I might add) locking eyes with mine, and we can't help but break into these big grins... we're simply in love with each other. He is so smart, and growing so fast--his independence is blossoming every moment as he discovers what he can do. His hair is like a shiny penny, his skin is soft and white, and his eyes are a warm brown that just exude his tender spirit. He's never in a hurry, but always very busy--analyzing his surroundings, taking it all in, touching each thing carefully. My friend Corrie says, "He's very wise." :)

How could I ever take credit for this complex and wonderful creature? I am simply along for the ride.
I can pray.
I can trust.
I can pass along what little I know.
But what else is there? He is the Lord's. And I learn more from him each day than he probably ever learns from me.

The challenge, I've found, is to be intentional. Isn't it always? Intentional about living in the moment and enjoying today, while still thinking about and planning for the future... Both must be done. And equally well. And being intentional about parenting is no different. Yet, at the end of each day, I must relax--because I am not in control of little Ben or his future. The Lord is. If you think about it... that is so refreshing!

So I'll do my best as a mother, a leader, a friend... and beyond that I have to trust that God sees what I can't, and he fills the needs that I can't. And in that, I know Benjamin will be just fine.